Hold Up The Weak Hands

“I define connection as the energy that exists between people when they feel seen, heard, and valued; when they can give and receive without judgment; and when they derive sustenance and strength from the relationship.” – Brené Brown

Connection happens when there is a safe space for being real.

Real friends just chuckle when they're over and I show up in my dirty overalls from feeding calves and I say I'm just too tired to change. They show up and sit in the mess without judgement. They could offer solutions and try to fix the problems and wonder why we talk like we do or act like we do or why we live like we do. They could pressure us to change, They just show up, relaxed, and to us it says, "We're here with you." Real friends connect us to the best parts of life and are close enough to notice when we're flagging in courage.

In Exodus 17 it talks about the battle Israel was fighting and how when Moses held up his hands , Israel prevailed, but when he put down his hand, the enemy began to win. Soon Moses hands grew tired. Aaron and Hur were near enough to notice. They brought a stone for Moses to sit on and held up his hands to keep them steady until the going down of the sun. Two friends, invested in the same Battle, helped without judgement. I don't imagine they said much but their actions and proximity meant a lot to all of Israel, not just Moses.

Johan Hari writes on addictions and says the only solution to fixing addictions or any problems is connection. If a person feels shamed or judged, that will cause them to feel isolated and draw back. They'll likely entrench themselves deeper into their problem by throwing up defenses instead of staying vulnerable in the fight. Sharing a problem with someone is saying , "It's ok, you're safe with me, let's fix this together, I'm here with you." The shame is removed and the solution becomes clearer because the friend who's walking with the addict is present without judgement. An understanding of the situation is developed and a gentle nudge towards the right path happens slowly and in close proximity.

I met an uncle in town last week who suggested we could have coffee and I felt talkative so I dumped some of my problems on him. I was troubled about a few things and wishing I could be at my friends funeral down South. We talked about everything, subjects that went beyond grief. The biggest help was he didn't judge me, he listened to me. He didn't say I'd made my choices and I should just toughen up. He related some of his struggles that were similar to mine and it was real.

We met another friend today in the middle of a busy Monday and he invited us over for a coffee and talk. That was simply a boost for Monday morning. Two, no three separate families dropped in at different times yesterday since we hadn't left the yard for so long and they shared real life with us. I was a little worried because we haven't cleaned house all week due to being busy outdoors and the yard has also suffered with random items dropped here and there. Some of us have been sick and we've fallen way behind in everything including laundry. My husband pulled on his last pair of clean jeans yesterday (that he thinks he wore in his 20's) back from the baggy Levi's era. I'd already laughed in despair at that in the morning when he got dressed.  It feels like bottle calves and lambs and chores are about all we do.

Yes, I was a bit anxious when the visitors arrived because I had no gourmet food to offer or pristine conditions for them to sit in but the connection was real. The talk was heartfelt. In the end, the happiness we shared was all that counted and I went to bed encouraged.

I have found strength from our friendships, I thank God that there are people around who are keeping it real. I pray we can share some of the strength and sustenance they have provided to us. I pray we can stay honest and take time to show up for others and hold up the weak hands.

"Authenticity is a collection of choices that we have to make every day. It’s about the choice to show up and be real. The choice to be honest. The choice to let our true selves be seen.” – Brené Brown