God Did and He Has

I'm going to just dive in deep and leave my worst secret in public. I have been suicidal. All those nearest to me already know this. The lower I got the more I would visualize the act and sometimes play it out in reality. You don't need more details than that but if you ever feel that low emotionally, just come talk to me and be assured that I care and I'm sorry life has to be so messy.

During my lowest, I was convinced I was a failure beyond help and so ashamed that the only way to take back control of everything seemed like ending it. You'd probably ask what my great sin was and I can't name anything specific. Just anything embarrassing or out of the normal could happen to drive me into deep shame. I'm not good at a lot of Mennonite things that feel like a requirement. Singing and sewing are two big ones. It's almost laughable how if I know someone is really good at either I'll make sure to not do it or talk about it around them. It makes for some awkward moments on singing programs or going to sewing circle. I can recall hurtful incidents in both areas that still cause me shame but I have forgiven the people involved and I've forgiven myself.

There are other thin areas for me I have to continually work at that they don't get me down. Sometimes it would feel easiest to pull back and just quit being with just anyone and protect my circle of people. One wall of defence just makes it easy to build more walls so I keep all the walls torn down. Once I build one wall to protect myself, I build some more until I reach the ultimate wall, take back all the control and end my life so all the hurt is ended. I know I have to step out again and again in life's arena and be vulnerable and teachable. I will get hurt during the battles and my loved ones will get hurt but pain means we're in the arena and still standing and fighting.

People have tried to help me figure myself out and they asked me Why?. "Why do you worry so much about relationships? Why do you care if your children have friends? Why do you care about what people think of your family or how your spouse is viewed? Why does it matter if they had to redo your items at sewing?"

Just to show the turmoil, I I immediately lump that why in my pile of shame by repeating to myself. "Why am I not a normal Mennonite like them? Why do I come from the background I come from? Why do I struggle? Why don't I just shape up and fix my mind? Why do I care if someone is hurting? Why can't I be a better person and fix all these issues?"

The answer to my problem is that I am flawed and broken and still proud just like anyone is in some way. I do care deeply about a lot because I notice and feel it. Maybe I have experienced some trauma but it is my choice if I let it affect me. If I didn't notice pain, I wouldn't care. I see others wounds and long to fix them because I see them. I often can't fix things, even in my own household and for sure not in my own mind. I have to let go and just pray and leave all in God's hands and timing. Each day is a lesson in surrender to just do the next thing that's in front of me now instead of the whole list at once.

I find I need to guard my heart so that my thoughts don't drag me down and keep me from functioning. My husband is also great at noticing when I'm down and asking me if I'm thinking truthful helpful thoughts. I try to run my thoughts through the three process questions, "Is it true? Is it kind? Is it helpful?" If my thoughts don't pass all three, I probably can just drop them. Clear is kind, so sometimes the clear truth hurts but it's better than a falsehood that comes up again.

My husband also reminds me often that The Great Physician came to heal. He didn't come for the perfect citizens, but to heal the sick and the wounded. " "You're blessed," I get told often in my beating up myself moments, "Because you realize you need Jesus to make it."

The act of suicide doesn't hold its power over me anymore. I do still get depressed sometimes but as soon as the thought of ending my life comes I go back to the twelve steps from a book called Suicide Anonymous. I do shut out some of my own critical thinking just to survive and I have to ask for honesty from others. I try to go as easy on myself as I would treat my best friends.

I'll post a piece I keep within easy reading reach from the SA book here:

--From Suicide Anonymous (the little book)

"The Big Book of Alcoholics Anonymous says, "And God could and would if He were sought."

That’s all it took:  seeking. All that mattered was that we started to look for something outside ourselves. Minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day, we willingly stayed alive by conscious contact with our new awareness of surrender and our seeking Someone outside ourselves Who loves and protects us. It didn’t matter that we didn’t know what we were seeking. Seeking is all it took.

We had to hand over our lives to God: here, you look after this, I can’t. Our wills had been turned toward death, like moths to a flame. That impulse could come back at any time. Our only hope was to open our will to God’s gentle care – no secrets, no holdouts, no reservations, no games – just surrender.

Nothing works better for surrender than the Twelve Steps.

1. We admitted we were powerless - that our lives had become unmanageable.

2. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity.

3. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

4. Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

5. Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

6. Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

7. Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

8. Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

9. Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

10. Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it.

11. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

12. Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to those who still suffer and to practice these principles in all our affairs."

---

I have accepted that I am a messy person with feelings. There are some people that can't handle my emotions or my questions. They just don't have time or capacity to understand and I'm okay with that. They have a factual way of looking at life and it might feel dogmatic to me but the only way I'll reach a connection with them is to stay open and accepting of them without compromising honesty.

I don't need to be everyone's easy best friend or have everyone be mine. I'm grateful there are people out there that don't struggle with shame and the myth of normal like me. As long as I'm guarding my heart and focusing on Jesus as my Saviour, I believe I can survive and thrive.

I still enjoy reading self help books. Now I'm listening to Gabor Mate's The Myth of Normal. (Thanks to a friend for recommending) Last winter I was helped by Dr Daniel Amen's book about fixing your brain. Every winter I re-read Telling Yourself The Truth and Dale Carnegie's books on relationships. I also like Jordan Peterson's 12 Rules For Life.

Sometimes I have to drop all deep thinking though and just take some Bible verses of praise and use them as my song for the day as I work. The Bible is definitely the best self help Book of the ages. God has provided a Way.

Psalm19

7. The law of the Lord is perfect, reviving the soul;

the testimony of the Lord is sure,making wise the simple;

8. The precepts of the Lord are right, rejoicing the heart; the commandment of the Lord is pure,

enlightening the eyes;

9. The fear of the Lord is clean, enduring forever; the rules of the Lord are true, and righteous altogether.

10. More to be desired are they than gold,

even much fine gold; sweeter also than honey

and drippings of the honeycomb.