Fishing For Happiness

Love has its speed. It is a spiritual speed. It is a different kind of speed from the technological speed to which we are accustomed. It goes on in the depth of our life, whether we notice or not, at three miles an hour." -Kosuke Koyama

You know how sometimes when you're fishing for fish and it suddenly doesn't matter if you catch a fish anymore? I had that happy moment in Georgia. Plus I caught fish. The ripples on the pond were looking like geometric patterns that repeated and repeated with each sigh of wind and the scene begged to be sketched in charcoal. My old friend from childhood was there tossing friendly banter around. The pine that stands tall among all the forest was waving it's topmost branches and my small boy chattered about whether a soul can be seen or what is a soul if it never dies. But then he caught a bream and I was distracted from having to answer and he refused to hold the fish by the gills so we could pull out the hook. All this passed by and I checked my borrowed line for a live worm, tossed the cane pole back in. The ripples broke at the bobber and pushed it slightly up and then down. Up with the water and down. In that moment I was perfectly and simply happy. Catching fish was just a bonus, something to tell the others who were sure to ask if we caught anything. What if I could tell them we caught golden sun ripples on water and our heartbeat slowed down? I could tell them I caught a moment of camaraderie with my son and an old childhood friend who's been there all my life by a pond in the Georgia woods and I felt the world had come full circle.

The evening would find me by a different pond in the pine needle carpeted Ga woods where I used to toss mini marshmallows on a hook in to catch bream. Instead of happiness, I was crying and lonely, wishing life worked differently so my spouse could be there with my children so i could rely on him for emotional help. Yet God was there to listen to my prayers and the swaying rushes and tall pines and oaks helped soothe and strengthen and I could walk back into the relationship world. I found happiness there too.

Happiness settled as we came home from church yesterday and drank coffee and finished off what we'd left of breakfast and visited as a family. My feet were warmed by the fire and the children were smiling and laughing. Not one of us was checking our phones and we were together. We were connected in one common emotion and that was happiness.

I'm reading a book called Lost Connections by Johann Hari and at the same time I've listened some to The Ruthless Elimination of Hurry by John Mark Cromer. Somehow the thoughts of them both have merged in my mind. Johann Hari lived on antidepressants for years, continually increasing the dosage as he felt a need to. After years of being prescribed more or different medications, his therapist asked if meds really made him happier or helped his depression. He started studying the science and philosophy behind serotonin boosting drugs. His conclusion is that loneliness or feeling misunderstood causes the majority of depression and anxiety in today's society. He also says that drugs may work momentarily but we need to look at the real cause of depression in our society.

We live in a world that is paced at a frenetic speed. Kosuke Koyuma says a relationship with God happens at walking speed, three miles per hour. To maintain any relationship, we have to slow down and fish. Toss the cane pole in with live bait and watch the bobber. You might catch a fish, you might not. I guarantee if you're slowed down aand present with someone, you will catch happiness. I've been trying this elimination of hurry in my mindset more. I listen when someone talks. They really don't care what I reply, they just need to know I listen and i'm trying to understand. They usually have the answers, even my children have the answers. Often it comes from their own experience reading or listening to the Bible.

Reconnecting brings happiness. It brings the bonus, the fish you can take home and eat. Reconnecting requires slowing down to walking speed.

Hari writes chapters on causes of disconnection and then how to practice reconnection. I say practice because it is a mind exercise, a muscle to strengthen. Healing is a choice that seems to need to be made over and over again. (I'm adding my Christian values into some of what Hari says.)

First cause of disconnection is work values. I believe Jesus wants us to do what makes us feel fulfilled and happy. This is the gift He gave us. We put self-discipline and hard work into our talent and it benefits others. It isn't a trial and it need not take a lot of thought because in the zone of working and sharing our gift, we catch happiness here and there. To reconnect, we have to seek out and focus on meaningful values and get rid of all the junk materialism and social pressure. This usually takes being part of a community who share the same deep values to remove the isolation we feel at times that makes us fall back on the waste of time. We all need someone to hold us accountable to our goals.

Disconnect from other people is a common cause of low mental health. Studies done by a Harvard professor Robert Putnam show that between 1985 and 1994, involvement in community meetings dropped by 45 percent. Since then, the numbers have been in free fall. We as humans in the Western world have embarked on an experiment to see if we can live alone. It seems the more we strive to live independently, the more therapists and doctors keep having to prescribe depression medication. We feel alone right in the middle of busy cities, in a crowded building, or within our own family groups. Loneliness makes a person unconsciously deem social situations as unsafe and creates a snowball effect of isolation. The less love we receive, the harder we make it for others to be around us. Being lonely changes our brains but we can also change our behaviour pattern back to the early 1900's idea of friendship. This might mean turning off our phones when we feel the emotion of loneliness and seeking a real person.

Hari visited a rehabilitation center for internet addicts and found the common factor for the social media and gaming addicts was depression even before they got obsessed with checking their phones. The dopamine hit of false connection with phone or computer made them momentarily feel better but internet relationships cannot compensate for social life. As Hari walked out of the rehab center of recovering addicts, they called him over to watch spiderlings hatching up in a tree. The rehab guys had been standing for hours watching the lines of spider babies floating off in the wind. There was real joy in the faces, one of them told Hari it was something he'd never gotten to see before. People must belong to a tribe or we get sick. Happiness must be a collective pursuit. We must let our egos fall and accept others into our group.

When Hari started his book on connections, he got told maybe he was just needing a change of pill like he'd already gone through many times before. That would be the easiest route out, he thought. Independently popping a pill is much easier than seeking happiness. A quick solution is what we Westerners always crave. "Be you, be yourself," we tell each other. What Johann Hari learned in his study from how other cultures treat mental illness is they say, "Be us. Be part of the group. Make the group worth it." Real happiness comes from dismantling ego and letting our story flow out and into others stories, weaving our lives together. Be the crowd, don't be above or apart from the group. Slow down and build non-judgemental spaces that strengthen people in relationship groups. We crave a Heaven without borders or distinctions and we can have a little of that here on Earth.

There will always be glitches in relationships. Recently I attempted to talk to a person twice in one evening and got ignored. The same person has ignored me before and I try to tell myself it's okay. Not everyone has to like me. I don't think they even really know what they're doing, I'm not on their radar. Yet I came home feeling so humiliated and started thinking of reasons why that person doesn't like me. I wondered who had been telling them stories about me. Finally I just told my family how I was feeling and they said, "Well, they're missing out on getting to know you. Their loss." Then we all laughed. And that was it. My train of thinking could jump it's track and my humiliation was gone. When or if I meet that person again, I hope I'll play the fool and smile and say Hi. Stay open to friendliness but not desperate. The fact is that I do not need to be held hostage wondering what people think of me, I just need to make sure I'm thinking happy thoughts about everyone else. (preaching to the choir, dearie) Their feelings are their choice and their life. Their thoughts about me shouldn't disturb my joy with others unless I am having a resistant or judgemental attitude towards them that I can change.

We will experience trauma. Humans live in grief after losses or changes. These stories must be told, they need to be listened to. Answers don't always need to be given, understanding is the only requirement for happiness to steal in and settle on us. "Weep with those who weep," the Bible commands. Brene Brown says even if you can't understand the grief or sense of loss someone is experiencing, let yourself feel the most similar pain to that you have ever experienced. Then just sit there with the grieving person in that emotion. Be present when you're needed by your people.

Deep grief is a major cause of depression, it's a continuing loss of connections in the past and connections in the earthly future. People's pain should not be insulted or belittled. Having any trauma acknowledged erases the shame in the issue and mental sickness abates. Humiliation only causes more depression. Then the person looks even worse and gets more humiliated. The cycle itself is shameful. To feel a release of shame, a person needs to have their story listened to and to be told, " I'm sorry. I hope you'll be ok. We'll build you back together."

In Hari's book, one lady practices sympathetic joy as a meditation. She pictures some one she loves and imagines something wonderful happening to them. She tries to feel real joy for them. Then she does the same joy meditation with someone in mind that she does not like or is struggling with. She says she might hate a person and their sucess but meditates on joyful thoughts for and about them every day, fifteen minutes a day. The toxic feelings go away. Happiness for others has an incredible warmth to it. The jealousy monster goes away and the group concept of happiness builds strength. Prayer can also change our thinking pattern. Hari claims evidence that people who pray for others more become less depressed. If a person believes themselves trapped, perhaps the way out is changing the way our society trains us to think. We can become fools for others. Don't hide how we feel and push down our emotions because that becomes a festering wound but accept life and practice joy in prayer and in action for others.

I appreciate Whimhoff breathing as a way of meditating when my thoughts run too fast to feel or form a prayer. The deep breaths and breath holding slow me down and make me present where I am right now. It sounds strange but it is mentally clarifying. I haven't gotten into polar plunges because I'm still a warm weather southerner but I do turn my shower cold sometimes to help mental clarity. If nothing else, a cold shower proves I can brave the worst in the morning. I should take cold showers more often because they really improve my energy and help me be fully awake and less irritable with my family in the mornings. I have done the worst, now nothing can phase me. Mark Twain called doing the hard job "eating the live frog first thing in the morning."

Building back our society from its loss of connection doesn't take one individual. Change has to be a collective issue. Home is not the house you live in, home is the tribe of people around you. If we know of anyone in depression, in pain, in suffering, it is our message that something has gone wrong and we are needed to collectively overcome the problem. We all need to come home to each other.

As Christians, this is going to happen at walking speed, God's speed, shoulders brushing as we take time to notice God's creation together. Kick a stone along, take turns tossing the conversation ball, sit on the bank of some water spot somewhere. Listen to the birds. Invite some others to watch a spider weave his web. Put your elbows on someone else's dining table and keep room for others at your table. With time after time of being present and slowed down with each other , checking the hook for live bait, and tossing the line back in, I have faith we're gonna catch the best Happiness ever.